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I'm · a · painter


and I'm gonna paint myself a lovely world

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* * *
Holy life is definately different. I have grown so much throughout the last couple of years, and I have had a lot of things taken from me as well, and I have also lost a big part of who I am as a person as well... but through the struggles I have also found a peace, a wrinkle in time if you may... I found what, to me, seems like my fate, my destiny. And even though I feel hollow from parts of my past, I can't deny the happiness that lingers longingly in the depth of that shady place.

To make a long couple of years very short, and on point. I changed my life and lifestyle quite a bit. I am no longer dating women... after a long long long time of hating men, I found one that wasnt all too bad... We have been together now, for almost a year... and honestly, it's been a struggle, some very hard times, times I thought we wouldn't survive... but we rose from the ashes, and continued to bask in the glory of our love. Which, in all honesty, is a love like no love I have ever experienced. In 25 years, I can't even begin to elaborate the... there are just no words for this. Unless you speak the language of the heart.

We're also having a baby. We're 16 weeks along right now, and we're both elated with joy. I never thought I would have my own family, I was always quite content loving everyone elses. And now I have a chance for my own, and it's a beautiful feeling, a feeling of complete. I'm going to be a mother to a beautiful child, that I created with a beautiful man, that I love with every ounce of my being, and there is and could never be anything more special in life, than that, and that alone.

I won't get into all the miniscual details... because those are just bumps along the journey that are best left unheard, for not everyones battles are to be cried outloud. The only thing that I can say for my life right now is that I'm blessed, and truly happy and can only pray that history doesn't repeat itself, and that I can hold onto this picture of my dreams forever, I can only hope to frame it forever.
I'm in:
Home
I'm:
loved loved
* * *
wow it's been awhile. man I always keep forgetting I have this thing. Life has definately been different. Just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years, learning how to deal with that. I'm now a manager at my job, it's a bittersweet kind of thing. I have 13 tattoos, and really short hair. My best friend is pregnant, and moved to texas to marry a boy. My mom and dad are getting divorced, and ahhhh life is sweet. I'll update more later.
* * *
So life has been a weird dream lately. One I wish I wasn't having. I suppose I'm not completely happy with how things have turned out for me, but I bet it's for the best in some way. Some how. I miss the old me. The vibrant me. The me that was ruthless, fun, and never frowned. It's like I never smile anymore, I fake laughing so I don't look like a complete cheeseball. I have no idea where I am in life. All I know is that I'm financially successful as of now, and I'm sure I will be doing even better when I finish my degree in school. But emotionally and mentally I feel inept. I lost me, and I don't like it. I've become so boring. I work 45 hours a week, and that's it. I go to my moms 2 a week to see Brock, but that is it. I have not been out in God only knows how long. I don't hang out with my friends, or what's left of them. And it's not really that I don't want to, it's just my schedual is ridiculous to follow, and I live an hour awhay from everyone. GRRRR! I never should have moved out here. I swear I'm having a mental breakdown. I'm overloaded with mental anguish.
* * *
And yet, another year later.

I just read my previous post, and boy has shit ever changed.

So that amazing chick and I broke up 5 months through her deployment. I expected it. I was pretty hurt, and lost at first, but 5 months later I've come to accept it, and move on. Pretty much. She comes home in a month, so i'm still a little nervous. I totally do not wanna run into that girl ANYWHERE!

I lost 2 more of my close friends, that I loved so much! Face & Tuna. My fallen heros. It's so sad, it was their first time ever deploying, and they were so close to being finished with their term. I absolutely will never forget them. I hold the millions of memories in my heart, and sometimes I laugh out loud when I'm all alone, and it comforts me.

I'm 22 now, and I keep realizing that time is shooting by, and it kind of scares me. Bubbuh is going on 16 months. He's getting so big. It's crazy! He has almost all his teeth. He's walking, and kind of talking. Getting potty trained, and all. He's so smart, and adorable! I'm definately the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life!

Josh and his wife are having a baby!

Dad has his motorcycle shop up and running.

I'm about to start my CNA classes, and in March I'm taking my civil service exam to be a CO.
I'm:
artistic
* * *
It's been a while since I updated. I still don't know why I even use this thing. Sometimes I just remember it and decide to log in, today I thought maybe I'd find some of my old poetry here, but I didn't. I had it on a site, all of my writing actually in hopes to eventually publish it in a book, somehow it managed to be deleted . . . all of it. I was extremely crushed. I've moved around so much in the past two years I don't even know if I still have the rough copies. I wish I hadn't been so naiive and at least kept them safer. I definately learned a lesson there. Well let's see here . . . the last I updated I had recently lost someone I loved more than anything, It's been 6 months now, and the pain has not yet eased, and I know that it never will. I've learned to smile again, and embrace what's left of life without him. I've made alot of progress in life, where once I was just lazy and all I cared about was the moment, and the next satisfaction and high it would bring. I got my GED, and I plan on going to college next semester. Dental assisting to start out. I also started working on my novel I started 2 years ago . . . gosh my creative writing sure is dusty. I met an amazing person. We've been together for almost 5 months. I love her dearly. She's brought a lot of happiness to my life, where I thought there was no hope. She showed me how to smile, and I thank her endlessly for that. I'm absolutely blessed to have her in my life. For the nect long and lonely year though, I will be forced to pray for her as I miss her. It breaks my heart that she has to go to Iraq, and miss out on life. My sister had her son May 15th . . . and yet refuses to mother him. My mom and I take sole responsibility for him, and I enjoy every moment of him. I love him so much. He is amazing. And so cute. I can't understand how she could just walk away from such an amazing gift, she hasn't a clue as to how lucky she is to even be able to have brought him into the world. I'm so jealous. I'm sure, and hope, in due time, hopefully before it is too late, that she can come to her senses and chose her son over the lifestyle she has chosen in which he is just an interference.
I'm in:
Home.
I'm:
creative
I'm rockin' out to:
None.
* * *
* * *
So, yesterday I lost a very close friend. I've never met anyone in my life who was so giving, and loving. Who could hate the world, but love it just as much if not more. Someone who loved meeting new people, and doing all types of things . . . never judged anyone in his life! He taught me so many things, things I'm going to hold in my heart forever. I miss laying around talking shit to each other, playing beerpong was his favorite hobby. And he was the king of it too. God Howie . . . I miss you so much. It's still so hard to believe that you are gone, that I will never talk to you, see you, or touch you again. You didn't deserve this, it wasn't fair. God took you too soon. I just hope you're happy in Heaven, and that you have a safe journey there. Save me a spot next to you when I come. I love you so much Howie. I'm going to miss you everyday. This is so hard.

Rest In Peace Howard David Bendixen. The world lost an amazing soul 6/8/08.

I LOVE YOU BUDDY!

I'm:
crushed crushed
* * *
I'm awfully depressed today. It's so hard to fight the urge to pick up the phone and call him and completely spill my feelings, but I know I can't. It would show how weak I am, and I am supposed to have all the control here. I feel like all my walls are crumbling, and I just want to cry. I don't feel beautiful anymore, and my self esteem has plummeted to like the lowest level possible. I find it hard to smile, even to fake it. I can't even gather any of my thoughts, they are just running around inside my head, tumbling over one another. I can't concentrate on anything. I stare at things, and my mind is completely blank. This isn't normal. I hate how I feel. There are so many questions that I have, that won't ever be answered, and I know I won't ever get to the truth . . . klfdjklshjndbnd klj
I'm in:
Hell.
I'm:
crushed crushed
I'm rockin' out to:
Big girls don't cry . . .
* * *
It's October . . . and as always my life has fallen apart. Just when everything seems so fucking great, and like nothing can go wrong . . . I jinx my fucking self. I met a man. I gave him my heart, he made me happy, blinded by all his lies . . . I quit drugs, drinking, even smoking. Then our fucking house had to go and burn the fuck down. We went to his hometown PA . . . and he left me for his ex. He just up and abandoned me. And now, I'm full of miserable pain, and hate. I smoke constantly. I'm a nervous wreck. I feel like screaming and ripping my hair out, and scratching his eyes out. And I can't do a damned thing about any of this. I hate how I can't change the past, I hate how I can't have what I want. I hate how for once in my miserable life I learn to love, and I get royaly fucked in the ass. What the fuuuuuuuuck?

Ashley is pregnant. Which is cool for her, but it makes me hate her. I think that is completely selfish of me, and I believe I belong in Hell for the way I have been feeling lately. I wonder what is happening to me. I'm like a second hand dress that is falling apart at the seams. I tried to take time to restart writing in my Novel, and I suck at that now too. I can't write a decent fucking poem for the life of me, I'm gaining weight, and my hair won't grow, and I look like a train hit me. So basically I suck!!!!
I'm in:
In a fucking chair.
I'm:
bitchy bitchy
I'm rockin' out to:
Dilana - supersoul
* * *
It's been awhile since I've written in here.

I've been dating this wonderful guy for the past 7 months. I love him to death. Our house just burnt down, so we are staying with his family in Pennsylvania. My family still lives in Florida. My momma got 4 new ferrets. Marry Jane had puppies. I got my lip pierced. Lost my car, got evicted, lost my great job, and pretty much my life went to hell. But it's going to get better. I'm trying to decide whether I should move home with my parents, or stick things out with Brandon here in PA. I hate it here, it's dreadful. Ugly too. I miss my life and friends. It for now.

I'm in:
PA
I'm:
drained drained
I'm rockin' out to:
TMNT
* * *
So it's literally been ages since I have updated. Well let's see here. Long story short. I had a job at Ponderosa, had a lot of fun. Got fired. Started seeing this great guy named Dane, and he turned into a dink. So that ended abruptly. ((my love life stinks)). So once again, I give up on dating all together. I quit smoking cigartettes. Thank god. I got a job at the Dollar Tree. I live in Great Bend now, in a nice place. I have a hot tub in my house, so that's pretty nifty. Um, I have a dog named Marry Jane, she's adorable. I love her alot. I lost 5 pounds. I havent drank in ages. I miss a lot of thing. My parents are in Florida I'm pretty home sick. Anyways, that's enough for now.
I'm in:
My bed.
I'm rockin' out to:
Janey snoring
* * *
* * *
I think God's way of punishing me for being so bad when I was a teen is forcing me to never find love. Cause I mean he knows what kind of love I want, and he knows that I've never found anything like it, so leading me to believe it doesn't exist. Totally not fair. I'm beginging to think I think too much.
I'm:
tired tired
* * *
I've got big plans. Not just for this week, but for this year. Which, initially is a good, and huge deal. Normally I lack ambition, but I have a drive this time. I'm excited, and new. Only I really know the meaning of that, so let me elaborate. I really found my true self here in the past 6 months. I know what I want in life now, and I know that I'm not going to give up, and stop short of that.



Chelsey is having her Baby in 2 weeks. I'm stoked. haha. She is too, ofcourse. But I've never really been there, for a newborn baby, for someone that is close to me. Melissa, my sister, but I was only 10. I know I'm going to cry, alot. Just the thought that my close friend is bringing a new life here, is just amazing. It's wierd, I have always seen babies, and heard of pregnancies, but it wasn't ever a big deal, but this is. haha, we think she is going to be a soccer player, the way she kicks Chelsey so much. :) I'm so freaking excited. I can't wait to pick up where we left off. I felt like my life was over this past half year, but now I'm just realizing what gives it meaning. I'll embrace it rather than push it away this time.



Have you ever been so happy, that you wanted to jump off of a building, just to see if you could fly? Because that's how I feel, as of now. I feel so great. Of course there is a reason. But that, you don't need to know. For once, I am going to keep things to myself. Why? Because everytime I say something outloud, it vanishes. The happy feeling floats away. Well this time, I won't let it. I'm hoping to keep it, for a long time. It's a crazy thing, but crazy is just one of the things that make me, me.


I'm going to see Terez and Stephanie this weekend. I'm excited. I can't wait to see their new place, and the lovely faces of my two best friends. I haven't seen them in so long. <3 Well I suppose I'm going to end this now, with something new. A poem perhaps.






I lied I will just use a quote that I made up, haha.


"and if ever, I were to fall into a million pieces . . . would you be the broom to sweep me?"
I'm in:
happyland.
I'm:
ecstatic ecstatic
I'm rockin' out to:
My thoughts.
* * *
I don't really have any thoughts to put here today. I really, for the first time, don't particullarly care. I'm a mess of things. A little bit of the past, a little bit of now, and a little bit of tomorrow. Somehow, when it all comes together, it doesn't feel good. I don't like it. I've had my questions answered, or at least to the best they could be by others, with perspective. And, I've been thinking, I'm a curious person, a really curious person, and me sitting here wanting to know the answer isn't helping me, I want that adventure, and I know I need it, but why am I so scared of it? I want answers, but I'm to scared to go get them. Wierd, I know. On the other hand here, I've started meditating, it helps me a lot more than what I ever expected. I am sleeping normally now, I go to bed at 9 to 10 pm now, and wake up around 5 am. A friend said he couldn't sleep when the sun was out, and I told him the sun wasn't out, and he said he wanted to watch it come out. To me it was silly, I've never seen the sunrise with a fresh start, I have have stayed up all night long before and seen it rise, but that holds no meaning. For the first time I feel like I see things on a different scale, more brighter, maybe not clear, but they are more hopeful. I'd have to say that I am unbalanced. Some days I am higher than high, and others I drop down so low, I sometimes think I will never get back up again. But somehow I always do. School starts soon. I can't wait, I guess. I'm so many somethings right now, that I can't explain it. I just want to drop my life from my past off of me, and just grasp todays, and tomorrows, yesterdays is just too heavy to bring with me. Some delays have popped up in our trip to NY, but I think I kind of embrace them, as much as I can't wait to be there with my nephew, and my friends, and the rest of my family, there is something else I don't want to face. Everytime I face it, I somehow lose myself. I'm sick of losing myself, ecspecially when I've become so strong and independent. Ok, now I have to go wash Josh's truck, because he is too lazy to do it, and if I don't do it, he said he'd cut all my hair off while I was asleep. So yeah, what better way to try to get some sun, before I come home. I've been in Fl for months, and I act like I'm allergic to the sun, haha.
I'm in:
Florida
I'm:
flirty flirty
I'm rockin' out to:
Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
* * *
Ok, so we are def. leaving today. In an hour to be exact.


Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I run my mouth. I never wanted to tell anyone I was coming back, because I wanted to give Terez a heart attack :) haha she'd have died seeing me, and not knowing. But, Chelsey can't ever contain her joy. But, I can keep secrets for other people. That never made sense to me. Oh well.


I plan on trying to write @ least 2 more chapters in my Novel before I make it to NY. I know it's going to be hard to write in the car, ecspecially since my laptop doesn't work any longer unless it's plugged in, and dumbass me doesn't have a car charger for it. Wonderful.


I look like crap, bewarned. I rarely slept when I was here in Florida, therefore I now have terrible bags under my eyes. You will all just have to deal with it. :). I still have really pretty eyes though.


My over anxious, always wanting adventure beagle is coming with me. He howls, it's such a painful thing to hear. Well I can only imagince how lovely this ride is going to be. Me him and my ferret in the back seat. Wahoo. Josh said he wasn't going to let me sleep at all, since last time I slept the whole 13 hours =). Boyyy that felt good, let me tell you.


Goodbye Florida, and all your terrible heat, and terrible boredum. I hope I never see you again. =)
I'm in:
Florida, last day bitches.
I'm rockin' out to:
The dryer.
* * *
I'm very hot, the weather is retarded.
I'm wicked pissed.
My trip to NY, keeps getting delayed from
an hour or so, to two days.
This doesn't make me happy.
I've got plans for the weekend.
>:o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got bit by a spider,
I most def. think it was a brown recluse.
It looks like one,
which isn't good if it was,
i'll have a huge hole in my leg in 10 days.
And that would just suck.

Ashley doesn't want me to come
to the hostpital to visit her.
I think that's fucked up.
I've bent over backwards
trying to help her, and
she can't even accept that I am her sister.
What the hell is that shit?

My nose is infected because of my allergies.
It sucks.
I shouldn't have gotten that piecerd.
Every time I get a cold, or my sinus'
flare up, my nose ring hurts, like a mutha.

My ferret is annoyin!
He keeps getting in my bag,
and I keep pulling him out,
and he keeps doing it.
You'd think he'd learn.

I'm anxious to see my nephew the most.
He's taking karate.
haha, he always wants me to watch.
I love him.
I wish he was mine.
He's like the reason I breathe. <3

I can't waaaaait to go to Eldorado.
I am soooo stoked.
and with that I will end this pointless entry. :)
I'm in:
Florida.
I'm:
infuriated infuriated
I'm rockin' out to:
Kenny Loggins - footloose.
* * *
* * *
So, I'm sitting in Florida, and this is what my sister is doing. It really bothers me that people can be so selfish, and not think about anyone but their selves. If you were me, would you have done the same thing? Do you think I was in the wrong?




UrGir1FriendsHot: What are you doing?
BudL1ghtGurl20: nothing vhillen whatchu doin
UrGir1FriendsHot: Are you on drugs, you normally don't talk like you are black.
UrGir1FriendsHot: Answer me beyatch.
BudL1ghtGurl20: lol
UrGir1FriendsHot: Fucking talk, mom wants to fucking know what your ass is doing, and where you are
BudL1ghtGurl20: im at troys
UrGir1FriendsHot: Wow, I'm really glad you don’t have time to talk to your family, but you have enough time to try to jump off a bridge
UrGir1FriendsHot: how convenient.
UrGir1FriendsHot: You should have just gone to Ambers, you guys could have killed each other, since it must have been national "lets kill ourselves day". This isn’t fucking funny anymore Ashley, I can’t do anything 1400 miles away. I love you and Amber, and I’m sick of worrying about you two.
BudL1ghtGurl20: i have alot of shit on my mind dude
UrGir1FriendsHot: I have a lot of shit on mine too, but you don't see me jumping off of a bridge do you? Mmm’no, that is what I thought.
BudL1ghtGurl20: whatev
UrGir1FriendsHot: What, maybe next time we can hold hands? Seriously you are not the only one that matters, were you thinking about mom on that bridge, and how it would kill her if you really had have jumped? or just matt?
BudL1ghtGurl20: fuck you , im not htinking about anyone anymore , dont worry im getting wasted tonight and i wont draw a scene and make sure matt is not there to talk me through not doing it becaue i thought of mom the whole time no dont worry ill just fucking jump
UrGir1FriendsHot: I hope so, I know, and everyone else knows that it is only for attention Ashley. Seriously, you should be careful, because one of these days you are going to just slip Ashley, and you won't want to die, but it will be too late, and you will regret all this pity party shit. You think I don't know? I was doing this shit when I was 14, except I actually tried to die. I didn’t just pretend so that my crack addict of an ex would come pity fuck me. You need to grow up, you have mom worrying sick over you, you knew that when you left for NY, you were either going to make or break yourself. You CHOSE to break yourself by fucking off, and partying. When are you ever going to grow up, and go back to school, and fucking live life? This is not a game.
BudL1ghtGurl20: guess what chelsey ,fuck you fuck you and fuck you im done listening to a fuckin 19 year old give me a damn lecture so shove it so far up ytouyre ass you choke on it !!!!!!! im out of here and im out of YOUR life for fucking good bitch
UrGir1FriendsHot: Do you honestly think that that bothers me Ashley, this is called tough love, do you even know what love is? I love you, and so do your parents, but the only thing you think about is when you are going to get the chance to fuck matt again. That is so sad. All I ever did was try to save you Ashley, I made a lot of mistakes, and I see you making them, and I just want to help you. You don't care though do you? You never care about anyone but yourself. I don't want to be 19, and have to come to my little sisters funeral because she was doing something she shouldn’t have been.
BudL1ghtGurl20: im sorry to hear that , dont want to come to my funerl dont but chelsey no one knows my life and no one knows how bad my heart fucking hurts about mom and all her wanting to die and shit dude yeah she dont fucking kno how bad that fucking tore my heart up and dad being a fucking retard our family is gone dude i might as well just say goodbye
BudL1ghtGurl20: i have to go i cant take shit
UrGir1FriendsHot: Oh, no one has a bad life like little miss Ashley? You are wrong, so wrong, My life is fucking 20 times worse than you could ever imagine yours being Ashley, and mine has nothing to do with heartache over a boy . . .mine is all real world things. But do you see me crying on everyone’s shoulder? NO. Why? Because some people have to have a fucking backbone in this world these days, no one is going to carry you through life, you need to do it on your own. Oh you were so saaaad about how mom hurts, and how dad treats her wrong, Do I see you in Florida right now? NO. Who is here? ME. Who wanted to go to NY with you? ME, but I stayed here so that mom was happy, and safe, because unlike you I think about others before I think about myself. I’m not selfish like you, and I at least own up when I am wrong. You are 18, act it.If mom meant so much to you, why are you there, and not here? You know what was happening here when you left, and you turned a blind eye, now it’s me picking up the fucking pieces to out family trying to put it back together, I’m 19, I should be out living the life of one, but I choose to put my family first.
BudL1ghtGurl20: chelsey fuck you bitch when i kill myself dont come
UrGir1FriendsHot: You can take your pity and whining to some other person, and make sure Ashley . . . that when you do it, go up and down, it’s a shortcut.
BudL1ghtGurl20: mk dont worry ill have someone call you tell mom i love her
BudL1ghtGurl20: goodbyes
UrGir1FriendsHot: I can't believe you would kill yourself for a boy that WONT even come to your funeral. You sicken me!
I'm in:
Chair
I'm:
bitchy bitchy
I'm rockin' out to:
Steam blowing out my ears.
* * *
Tonight has been an illuminating night. Lately, as you all know, I have been battling my faith in god. Well, struggling with it, would be a more useful phrase. But, I had a 3 hour conversation with one of my 2 best guy friends tonight, and it wasn't just about God, and faith, it was about a great deal of things, but he really gave me . . . I don't know what the word is, it's almost like he helped me restore my faith. I know it sounds ridiculous, but just the words he spoke, the way he said them, the way his faith clearly entwined inside each one. He is so trusting in God, and his love shows, and it just amazed me I guess. He told me things about the Bible that I didn't know, and it was odd, because at the end of it, there was actually a smile on my face. I love God, I do believe him, even if I doubt it sometimes, but IT IS THERE!! And he knows it, and I think, we both think that we are put here for a reason, that us 2, not just us, but others, certian others, are meant for something greater, not saying we will and should rule the world, but our hearts are full, and in the right places, therefore that makes all the difference. I hope that someday I can take all my love, and let's face it, I have sooo much love inside me that it's almost overwhelming, but I hope that I can take all this love, and just spread it, share it, and make the best of it, because the world lacks so much love. I'm so happy with me, and who I am, and who God chose me to be. No one's words can take that Joy away. But someday, someday the world will feel me.



And tonight I think that it was fate that Wesley and I IMed one another. I mean normally we talk alot, we are great friends, but for the past few weeks, we haven't been that talkative.


Oh yeah, P.S. there has been this spider for the past three days just chilling on my cieling in the same fucking spot, and I thought it was dead, and I didn't want to touch it so I was waiting for Josh to do it, well yeah tonight the bastard thing started moving, and he is HUGE, so I kept an eye on it all night to nake sure he didn't move too close to me, well yeah I just looked up and he is gone, and I so don't know where he is, and I am tweaking the shit out. mmmkay, I am done.
I'm in:
Floor-igh-duh
I'm:
chipper chipper
I'm rockin' out to:
The Everly Brothers - Crying
* * *
I've decided that all of my previous entries are worthless, and they do not make me look smart . . . at all . . . so I'm going to attempt to redeem myself for my own self happiness, by this entry. It's merely for my own self, than anyone else. These are things I have to remember, and people should take into consideration with me.


Avoid taking anything I say too seriously. That seems to be a contradiciton with me, because I can either be very serious, and meaningful, but I tend to also lace sarcasm on alot of things that ventures out of my mouth.


I suppose I am a fan of words. I enjoy putting them together and taking them apart. Words, are like my escape, I can release any emotion that overwhelms me with them. Im also a fan of literacy. In which case, please refrain from using 'u' and 'ur' when engaging in any sort of over the net exchange of words with me. Im very aware that some people like to think using shorthand saves time. Well, if you cant spell out a full word you happen to use everyday of your life, dont bother talking to me. It will save your time, and mine. This includes, but is not solely subject to, the proper use of your, you're, there, their, and they're. Reading and writing is taught in school for a reason, enjoy it while you can. I may not have graduated yet, due to health issues, but that obviously does not mean that I lack intellegence, or knowledge for that matter. And to be frank, I am really quite sick of people judging me by my actions of this past year. I do plan on re-attending school, and graduating with my regents this fall, thank you very much.


With all of my specualtions, and current questioning of my faith, I've indugled in looking though various religions, and ways of life, and I have become a fan of lifeism. GOD thought it would be a good idea for people to take an hour out of each Sunday to go somewhere new and appreciate anything at all. GOD also thought it would be wise to brush up on science (or another field of interest) in that time. GOD noted that doing service or just being really nice would suffice as well. In LIFEism: all donations are to be researched contributions to a worthy charity or to the community in which you live. Sins are completely relative to environment and genetics, and are to be taken up with your fellow man. Repentance likewise. Clergy will be self-appointed mentors that know anything you dont. The only commandments are 1. Be a good person as best you can; all cases are relative to the individual. 2. Live as much life as you can. 3. Pursue something you deem worthy of your time in your relatively short amount on earth. 4. Respect all. Basically, I'm now against religion. I find God to be a comfort zone, or a crutch for those who can't grasp the concept of morals without reasoning. Some will say blind faith is the key. Some will also say they are right, despite others uncertainty. I say no one knows, and that you really can not believe in somthing that you have never seen, or ever heard, etc. Some would like to, some seem to think they do, some dont care, but when it comes down to actual facts, we have none. Or maybe this is just another one of my famous rants, and later on I will change my mind, we all know I do that often.


I am 19 and sometimes I feel like my life is dull, therefore I dedicate myself to this. Please don't think I'm nuts.
I'm in:
My computer
I'm:
cranky cranky
I'm rockin' out to:
My thoughts.
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has like no "maitnance" and "unexpected errors" . . . I would probably cry. Myspace has been a complete mess for like the past 2 weeks. There has been nothing but issues with it, and it's getting worse everday. Sometimes I think about actually deleting my account, but I can't find it in me to actually do it. I'm so weak. I know this is irrational, but ever since Pat did his 'strike' on myspace, myspace has become a nuisance. It makes sense in my mind, so whatever. It's really gloomy here, and it's rainy, and thundery . . . just the way I love it. And I was thinkging today, I miss them days when I was in like 8th grade, and my boyfriend actually held my hand, no one has held my hand in years, besides Don, but that was for like 5 minutes and it meant nothing really. I'm looking out my window right now, and the weather is getting worse, it's getting darker, and so much windier, I hope we get a hurricane. I've gotten over my fear of storms since I moved to Florida. I love them. I want to see a hurricane, minus all the death and destruction. I wish I was a sailor. I wrote a new song, and I want to make it perfect, I don't know whether or not to post it for critism. But I think I need some. I watched my normal soap operas today, and I got totally bummed out. Reva is my favorite and she is battling breast cancer, and she hasnt told anyone, mainly because her husband josh is undergoing this new project and he's stoked about it, and she doesnt want to burden him. So she goes off to get treated, and the rat of a husband he is, tells her he loves her so much, then he fucks her sister, and her sister is like passionately in love with him. Dude hi, your wife, and your sister are dying and all you can think about is your animal hormones? I want to rip their dumb heads off, that is soooo wrong. I cried. <3 I'm really exhausted, I actually went to bed at like 2am and woke up at 9am. But I think I am going to go watch movies and sleep. I'm sad. I don't know why I'm sad though. I'm excited too, school starts soon.
I'm in:
the computer room.
I'm:
crappy crappy
I'm rockin' out to:
Thunder.
* * *
Today was not a great day, not in the least. I think I'm coming down with a sinus infection, and it's making me pissed off. I have no energy whatsoever, and I am so fucking tired, and my head feels like a painful balloon, I want to rip my stupid eyes out, and just sleep. This is terrible, I never get sick, what the fuck. Echanasea actually did make it calm down a little bit, thank god for my herbal remedies. Then there is nonie juice, and collidal silver. I think I got Rez or Stiffie to try noni juice once, I'm surprised they didn't hate me after that, haha. Yuck, that stuff tastes like straight up not something good. Although it's helped me stay healthy-ish, and it's helped me lose some wieght, so I will stop complaining. I'm really angered right now. Terez and I are talking to Hutch, and he posted this post, and it seemed riddlish to me, so I can't stop thinking about it 'til he tells me, or her. It's not that I'm nosey persay, haha. I just hate riddles. I wrote a few more new poems this morning, It's flowing right out of my finger tips. I like it. I hate tofu, my god, who can stand that? Ick. Never let Chelsey chose food, or cook it. I'm terrible, there really is no hope. Greg broke up with his girlfriend, he told me all about it on the phone this morning at like really early 4 am. He sounds different than I rememberd. - Justin thinks I'm a pain in the ass. haha. I don't know, I guess I think I might really go to bed tonight. I need to read a book. My dad bought me Harry Potter the Half Blood Prince today, but I think he must have forgot that he already bought me the half blood prince when it first came out, haha, so now I have two. And I'm going to read it again. I give up on this Livejournal, my posts are dull, I need to write about something more ummphish.
I'm in:
Floor-duh.
I'm:
contemplative contemplative
I'm rockin' out to:
Tegan and sara - so jealous.
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